Change...

The last two days have been the beginning of a spiritual journey for me...one that I hope is long and fruitful. So many things have been revealed to me about myself and my own frame of mind concerning Jesus and my relationship with Him. So much of my life has been about what I am not...how I have failed others...how I have failed God...what I have done wrong. It was a precept that was hammered into my brain from infancy. I have tried so many times to deserve God's grace, but of course, that never happens. Because of my guilt and feelings of failure to keep His law and my own codes, I maintain this distance from Him. Whether it is hurting someone else or merely praying in the wrong order, I feel that God must be, has to be angry with me for my shortcomings. For many years I have started over, tried again, and consistently broken the rules time and time again and ended up right back where I began. This is not the way God intended for me to relate to Him and I know it. I just have to let go of this mindset that somehow God is constantly evaluating me and accept that He is constantly loving me instead. My children break the rules all the time; does that mean that I would prefer they never talk to me because my disappointment is so great in them? Of course not. That is ludicrous. I know God loves me so much more than I, or any human, can love another person. Surely He desires no less from me, His child. In our humanity, we hang on to our sin like it is something precious. Because, without God's help, we cannot forgive others when they hurt us we feel that God must have the same problem. We are seeing Him as a man instead of the glorious and righteous God that He is. Loving us despite our failures is what He's all about. He doesn't have to work at it the way we do. He doesn't have to remind Himself, "Oh yeah, I forgave her for that. I have to stop thinking about it." It is this awesome love and mercy that is so hard for me to comprehend, but I want to. I want to live a life that is free of rules. I want to live a righteous life because of my immense love for Jesus, not because I am trying to earn anything. I prayed this morning for God's help in this. I need Him to help me understand and accept the depths and permanence of His mercies and love. I asked Him for more. More of what only He can give.

This morning after my prayer I went to the Calvary Chapel website because they have several devotional resources. This is the first thing I came across. I have never needed to hear something so badly. I know God's hand lead me here.

Why Grace Changes Everything

As Paul said in Philippians 3:8-9...

"...that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

Thanks for listening.