Having struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for years, my young adulthood has been comprised of searching for relief and peace. Many times I have found it, but lost my elusive grasp before I could really call it mine. Growing up in a fervent Southern Baptist home and having been given a strong biblical background, I should have known exactly where to look. In fact, knowing this actually compounded guilt with my anxiety since I felt that by being afraid, I was actually doubting God and His promises. I began to feel that since I was one of such seemingly little faith, God didn't really want to hear from me. I didn't deserve to have His counsel. I could cling to the small amount of hope my salvation at age ten gave to me, but the idea of continuing to grow closer to Jesus seemed improbable at best. I know, I know...this is twisted thinking, but I honestly felt that although I was born again, my struggles with doubts and fears did nothing but leave God daily disgusted with me. Even though I thought about Jesus constantly and would often cry out to Him in times of desparation, I never expected a reply. It wasn't until a few years ago, that I realized that I was allowing Satan to destroy my memory of the one thing that could actually break this cycle...The Grace of God.
I was sitting in church, listening to my pastor preach about Faith. I will never forget when he read Mathew 17:20. It was a verse I had heard many times, but never fully understood. It reads "...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." All of a sudden I realized, all it takes is a minuscule amount of faith to do the Lord's work. God can start with something tiny and create something vast.
The next words my pastor spoke struck me even more. He began to tell the story found in Mark 9 of the possessed boy. His father brought him to Jesus to be healed. When the father asked our Lord (Mark 9:21) "...if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us" Jesus replied "If I can? Everything is possible for him who believes. Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'." When I went home that afternoon, I sat alone in my home office. I knew what I had to do...I began to "have it out" with God. I poured out all my frustrations and fears. I told him I was afraid and what I was afraid of...every single little thing. I told him I worried he did not exist. I told him I was sometimes angry that he made me this way. I also told him that I had never stopped loving him and that I never would. I begged him to forgive me and give me peace. I told him I believed, but needed his help with my doubts. I offered him myself, with all my shortcomings. In short, I had a
real conversation with my Savior, and afterwards, I felt His answer. I had not told him anything he didn't already know. Of course not...He is our all-powerful and all-knowing Lord! What I had done was
talk to him . I opened the lines of communication; I asked for what I needed and He gave it to me, as he promised he would. It was that simple. He wasn't angry...lightning didn't strike me...instead, I felt the love of a father to his child. I sat in the lap of my Lord and cried like the baby that I was, and like the daddy ("Abba") that he is, he comforted me. I am still an anxious person. I still have struggles. One thing that is sure, though, is that I never, ever struggle alone. God has given me the peace I asked for and more. The faith I thought was too small has grown into an eternal knot of the greatest of gifts...faith, hope and love.
There is a song we sing at church that my heart has claimed. It's words speak to me in a very powerful way. Maybe it will speak to you...
Draw me close to You.
Never let me go.
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm your friend.
You are my desire.
No one else will do.
Cause nothing else could take Your place,
To feel the warmth of Your embrace.
Help me find the way, bring me back to You.
(chorus)
You're all I want,
You're all I've
ever needed.
You're all I want.
Help me know you are near.© 1994 Mercy/Vineyard Publishing
CCLI# 1596342
Album: Draw Me Close
25 Top Vineyard Worship Songs
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